Thursday, 26 November 2009

Diary of a videogame character.

Princess Peach's Diary

13th September 1985.

Today has been the longest day ever. Seriously. Never before has a day dragged on so long, not since Toadsworth's last birthday dinner (He's very old now so I'm sure I won't have to sit through many more.)

Back on topic. Today started off just like any other, had a wild party last night so I was literally hanging when I woke up in me quarters today. And guess who was in my bed? That lanky italian bloke I was grinding with last night, the one who likes green. Yeah so he sorta stumbled out of bed grabbed a couple of mushrooms and left! All he could do was stutter and look horrified. Charming.

So after scoffing about twenty turnips for breakfast (Growing Princess needs her food!) I was just lying on the grass outside watching about twenty Toads running round after a misbehaving chain chomp when I felt extremely tired. I just blacked out.

Next thing I knew I was in some random dungeon chained to a grimy wall in a room that smelt like P**s.

Turns out some random horny giant turtle (horny in both ways) had took me straight from the castle grounds right in front of the panicking Toads! Useless tw*ts.

So I was left in this stinky ass dungeon for hours and hours listening to the turtle upstairs laughing to himself.

Turns out the castle cameras had caught the whole kidnapping on CCTV and it was all over the Mushroom Kingdom News! (any publicity is good publicity).

Now I have no idea why this turtle wanted me, he just kept coming downstairs and staring at me with his big red eyes, he did at one point give me a ring but I thought he was just teasing, I doubt he seriously thought I would marry him! Either way, when I refused it seemed to P*ss him off slightly.

I kept dozing off throughout the day, sometimes woken up by this ugly little sh*t that looked like a walking spud. Seriously. He just kept humping my leg. I thought I heard him say "goomba" a couple of times too but I was slightly delirious at this point.

So just as I was losing all hope and had ate all my 1-up mushrooms (nom nom nom) I started to hear lots and lots of bangs, screams, roars and jumping sounds.

It was quite exciting I must admit. I was dragged to another room by a smaller turtle (I don't like turtles) and told to wait there. I could just see throught the door a man in overalls similar to the bloke I had that one night stand last night! My heart literally dropped and I can just remember thinking "please just go away, anywhere but here."

The big horny turtle ( probably not quite as horny then eh?) stormed in and started shooting big fireballs at the stalker man ! I didn't know whether to be pleased or not!

I remember thinking the man in overalls seemed to have put on quite a bit of weight since I saw him this morning and was quite shorter! He ran quite quickly for his size and did the most spectacular jumps, I was quite impressed. The man in overalls dodged the giant turtles attacks, pushed this big ominous button that come to think of it I could have done hours ago and took the turtle out as the bridge they were on fell followed by the big turtle.

The moustached man in overalls just stood there staring at me panting and huffing looking rather delirious. It was then I realised he wasn't the same bloke from last night. He preferred the red colour scheme and had a more manly moustache!

He introduced himself as Mario, and he told me that his brother Luigi was running here playing catch-up! I was absolutely stunned, they were brothers. I had two italian brothers tying to impress me with daring rescues. Sh*t.

Mario asked me what his prize was and gave me a nod and I wink. I just said "Next time you save me I promise I'll bake you a cake" and I left.

Walked all the way home through 8 bloody worlds looking worse than I had last night. Gone straight to bed and that's where I am now. None of the Toads have seen me yet so I take it they still think I'm dead or some horny turtles sex toy. Either way, I couldn't care less.

Going to sleep now. Don't wanna see any italians in overalls, green or red ever again. Come to think of it, the giant turtle wasn't too bad though.


  1. Impressive, hilarious and imagenative. I'll never look at Princess Peach in the same light again. She always seemed sweet and gentle, but I guess after a day like that your bound to get a bit cranky.

  2. Thanks Richard! I wrote this quite late at night, the thought just entered my head of doing a diary of a videogame character and show them in a different light. I was originally gonna do Mario but I wanted to do something a little more original than that so I decided on Peach.

    I'll probably do more of these for different characters in the future

  3. very funny! but eating turnips? yuck!

  4. I got the eating turnips thing from Super Mario Bros. 2 where Peach's attack is pulling turnips outta the ground! :P